a sunday: lazy, but not

a trip to the Miami International Book Fair. Lots of acquisitions-- mostly old books, for $1 or $2 a piece. a discovery: the Miamian Trotskytes. just when i had given up hope about a left culture in the city. sausage in buns with lots of mustaird sauc. onions fried brown. the smell of frying meat in the air. too sweet churros.

it is during times like this that i recognize how much i miss a public cultural space. how much i miss Kolkata, the book fairs, College Street and the overall rambunctiousness of the only city in this world i will ever call home.

yet, there are moments – like the afternoon today-- when life becomes a little bit more bearable. and, in between reading lines from Eduardo Corral, sifting through the pages of Junot Diaz and Mary Jo Bang, i recognize, even after a decade in this country, i still think of my life here as transient. my relationships and friendships here still feel unreal. i still move around tentatively, unable to lay claim to anything.

we move around other bodies, pick up books, come back to drink a coffee at Pasion at Coral Gables. i sip my coffee, try to read this and that. Inside me, a restlessness : when are these projects coming to fruition? and, i know, certain things cannot be rushed. but, there is a special kind of pain in working through a project slowly, painstakingly. will it ever find its space in this world? will it ever mean anything to anyone other than myself?

these days, I am thinking more about the poetry manuscript than about individual poems. how are these poems going to hold together? and i worry. i am not writing about pop culture, grotesque, edgy, avant-garde, gritty poetry. besides, i am not writing about America at all. will there be anyone out there who will accept these poems? will these poems have anything to offer to anyone beyond the “narrow” spaces of Kolkata's middle-class literary sphere?

but, i also know, i have things to say. there are people out there who love my work. so, I cannot just give up. i will have to try, try and try!