perspective: writing and non-writing

This was the first full week of the semester. The first two weeks were cut short-- the first one by our department "retreat", and the second one because of the long Labor Day weekend. Teaching two upper-division literature classes is exhausting. On Monday, I came back from work not only tired and physically exhausted, but depressed, plagued by a deep sense of failure. This has been a stressful month. 

Exciting too, but stressful. I am getting used to a new place, has been meeting new colleagues, making new friends, attending new events. And, I recognized, how much of a loner I had been during the last three years of my grad school. I hardly got involved in the departmental drama during those final years, and instead, concentrated on my creative writing. But, right now, I am in a different space. I cannot just ignore everything about my department. I cannot just ignore my need to be part of an academic community. 

and, between two classes, i have more than 75 students. i have never dealt with so many students during the course of a single semester. i have never had to balance moving in to a new city, figuring out administrative details, settling in a new home and office, and teaching two upper-division classes. additionally, there is this little thing called tenure. for which, i will have to finish an academic book. yes, i feel stretched. and monday, was the absolute worst. 

but, i recovered. i recognized, i won't be able to write (creatively or academically) every day. especially on the days when i teach. right now, i should concentrate on writing four days a week. the days when i don't teach. anything i get done on the days i do teach, should be considered as a gift, a bonus. 

right now, i am going with the flow. i had worked on my chapbook for a while. had submitted to a few places in the last few months. about half of them had already said no. that too, contributed to this desperate feeling of low. should i really continue with this? is my writing good enough? do i really have anything to offer to the world? but, after the initial period of feeling depressed, a part of me also had to ask: wouldn't giving up be too easy? 

besides, i do believe in the project i am working on. i do think, these poems need to be written. and, i want to respect that part of my self which set out to write these poems to begin with. so, after a lot of hesitation and metaphorical nail-chewing, i send it to one of the poets whose workshops i had taken at Rooster Moans. ideally, before sending it out aggressively, i would like KRA to take a look at it. because, she is the one who read it in its initial stages. but, i also think, another poet reading it would be good. someone who hasn't seen it already. it would give me a chance to process a fresh set of feedback, rethink some of the assumptions from which i had been writing these poems, and if the need be, do some drastic revisions to my project. 

but, on the other hand, i have also been working on generating new drafts. very rough ones, but still. and and and...i have put together the entire full-length manuscript. it's not at all perfect now, a lot of work will have to be done. but, it exists. and just the fact of writing these things down, makes me realize, i have been working on my writing. maybe not as much as i would like to, but i haven't stopped either. and, i won't.